Tuesday, May 19, 2020
A Prayer
Oh God...let my thorns always keep me seeking you. Let your power be mighty in my weakness.
Written March 12, 2018 but it went unpublished until today May 19, 2020 after a discussion at a bible study tonight made me think back a bit on my journey. Tonight a group of women who are newer in their walks with Christ asked how long it took me to get where I am in my faith today...and I just have to stop and praise God for all that He has done and is still doing in me.
Tuesday, December 12, 2017
Having Faith
A bible verse that has become one of my favorites in the last few years is Jeremiah 29:11..."For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
With so much at stake in a move far from the place we'd spent most of our lives and that where we thought we'd settled for the long haul...it is easy to let doubt creep in at the first sign of anything gone wrong. There have been things that have happened that looked like gloom and doom but I praise God for continually showing us that He does indeed have plans to prosper us and not harm us. I am ever grateful for the reminders that God is more powerful than anything we come against. And that He will be present with us if we only ask and allow Him room in our hearts.
Jeremiah 29:11 continues on into verse 12 and 13 saying..."Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."
I know that we will continue to face challenges that can easily cause doubt but because I have a God that stands at the ready to listen to me when my heart is open to Him...I will not lose hope and I will call on Him with faith...and I will joyfully pursue His will.
Matthew 21-22..."Jesus answered, "I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, you will be able to do to this tree what I did and even more. You will be able to say to this mountain, 'Go, fall into the sea.' And if you have faith, it will happen. If you believe, you will get anything you ask for in prayer."
Thursday, October 5, 2017
Looking Back
When I was a child, I had some difficuly when I experienced something new. Nothing anyone would really notice but more internal thoughts and emotions. Once my mom took me to try a new dance studio because she wanted me to be able to grow more in the area of tap. I remember that it was a very nice but older looking studio with small hallways and lots of brick and girls who looked like real ballerinas (to my childhood eyes) stretching in their toe shoes in the hallway. The studio was beautiful and I don't recall anything being bad about the experience it was just different...new...not the cozy familiar blanket of things that I was used to and knew of what to expect. We got in the car to go home and I burst out in tears.
When my older daughter came home from her first day of school, she had her own burst of tears...well a few of them actually. They started in relation to small things but her dad and I knew that it was all the internal emotions that had been churning inside her all day long in a new school with new teachers, new hallways, new classrooms, new kids; all coming to the surface and flowing over. All of her familiar and expected things were gone and in their place so many new things to navigate.
Recently, we went to check out a boy scout troop for our son that happens to meet at our new church. He seemed to have a good time but when we pulled into our at home he started talking about how he hates living on this "stupid island." How he hates the bugs and the hills and all the trees. He decided that camping with boy scouts on Long Island would be a stupid idea because of all the bugs and I explained that camping is done where there are trees and that is where bugs are no matter where you are...not just Long Island. I could tell that he was feeling some of those stresses of things being so different and I explained to him how everything will be new this year but in a year things will begin to be the same as the year before and he will have a new norm so that it won't always feel the way it does now. But also reminded him that because he was so much older when we moved that he has the blessing of a lot of memories from Michigan. We also talked a little bit about how living in different places and having all these new experiences makes you grow too. I told him how proud I am of him in how he has handled all of these changes in his life and how cool it is that he will be such a well-rounded person with all of these different experiences.
Not long after that, I went to my daughter's meet the teacher night and, because my husband had a presentation to give at the Lions Club, I went alone. When I left it was dark out and many memories of leaving my school building and walking out to my car in a dark parking lot to drive home up Groesbeck after my own curriculum nights as a teacher came flashing back to me. All my emotions about change came pouring out in tears on an unfamiliar drive to home.
There's something about making a big change that makes you think differently about the past. Our move to New York has been positive overall. I've been surprised by how easily all the members of our family seem to have adapted to a new home, in a new place, with a new church and new schools. There have been some short-lived grumblings about living in a smaller house or not having sidewalks to ride bikes on but overall things have went smoothly. Yet we ebb and flow between looking forward and looking back.
My conclusive thought about looking back is that the past often has that cozy blanket feel because we know how it all went down. We know that the bad times were survived, questions we once had were answered, and we came out on the other side to where we are now. But when we stand in the present, we have new questions about how things will all turn out. At times that is exciting but more often it is scary, confusing, and overwhelming. I am grateful for the knowledge that I learned during one of those years past that was less like a cozy blanket and more like a burlap sack,which is that; being in God's will is THE best place to be in the present because it causes me to look less at the past with longing for that cozy blanket of familiarity and instead look forward in confidence to the ways I will grow in my relationship with God and how He will use me to share His love in this everchanging world.
When my older daughter came home from her first day of school, she had her own burst of tears...well a few of them actually. They started in relation to small things but her dad and I knew that it was all the internal emotions that had been churning inside her all day long in a new school with new teachers, new hallways, new classrooms, new kids; all coming to the surface and flowing over. All of her familiar and expected things were gone and in their place so many new things to navigate.
Recently, we went to check out a boy scout troop for our son that happens to meet at our new church. He seemed to have a good time but when we pulled into our at home he started talking about how he hates living on this "stupid island." How he hates the bugs and the hills and all the trees. He decided that camping with boy scouts on Long Island would be a stupid idea because of all the bugs and I explained that camping is done where there are trees and that is where bugs are no matter where you are...not just Long Island. I could tell that he was feeling some of those stresses of things being so different and I explained to him how everything will be new this year but in a year things will begin to be the same as the year before and he will have a new norm so that it won't always feel the way it does now. But also reminded him that because he was so much older when we moved that he has the blessing of a lot of memories from Michigan. We also talked a little bit about how living in different places and having all these new experiences makes you grow too. I told him how proud I am of him in how he has handled all of these changes in his life and how cool it is that he will be such a well-rounded person with all of these different experiences.
Not long after that, I went to my daughter's meet the teacher night and, because my husband had a presentation to give at the Lions Club, I went alone. When I left it was dark out and many memories of leaving my school building and walking out to my car in a dark parking lot to drive home up Groesbeck after my own curriculum nights as a teacher came flashing back to me. All my emotions about change came pouring out in tears on an unfamiliar drive to home.
There's something about making a big change that makes you think differently about the past. Our move to New York has been positive overall. I've been surprised by how easily all the members of our family seem to have adapted to a new home, in a new place, with a new church and new schools. There have been some short-lived grumblings about living in a smaller house or not having sidewalks to ride bikes on but overall things have went smoothly. Yet we ebb and flow between looking forward and looking back.
My conclusive thought about looking back is that the past often has that cozy blanket feel because we know how it all went down. We know that the bad times were survived, questions we once had were answered, and we came out on the other side to where we are now. But when we stand in the present, we have new questions about how things will all turn out. At times that is exciting but more often it is scary, confusing, and overwhelming. I am grateful for the knowledge that I learned during one of those years past that was less like a cozy blanket and more like a burlap sack,which is that; being in God's will is THE best place to be in the present because it causes me to look less at the past with longing for that cozy blanket of familiarity and instead look forward in confidence to the ways I will grow in my relationship with God and how He will use me to share His love in this everchanging world.
Thursday, September 28, 2017
Weird
I am grateful for the difficult things I've been through in life because they are a constant reminder of the greatest lesson I ever learned. That lesson being that no matter where we are on life's journey, it's all about our relationship with God...our connectedness with Him...our daily choice to let go of earthly distractions and to listen to His voice in our lives. If you know Him personally, you know that He is good, so undeniably good...and this world can be so bad and so temporary. Life can be so bittersweet. The sweet that comes in precious memories made and thought back on through our days and the bitter that comes with the hard to bare experiences of life that leave us with scars.
One of my closest friends became a widow at the age of 36 and strangely we found ourselves, in the midst of our very different circumstances, finding our best descriptor for life was the word weird. Not much beauty or explanation in such a word as weird but it really seemed to fit during a time when left with such huge things to wrap our minds around. Time is weird...all the unexpected things that go on in life...just super weird. But one thing is constant and that is our God who is not confined to these weird things that send us reeling. He is our constant, our lighthouse, our anchor that keeps us where we should be. Such peace in knowing that time and change and earthly things don't change Him or our eternal home...praise be to God!
One of my closest friends became a widow at the age of 36 and strangely we found ourselves, in the midst of our very different circumstances, finding our best descriptor for life was the word weird. Not much beauty or explanation in such a word as weird but it really seemed to fit during a time when left with such huge things to wrap our minds around. Time is weird...all the unexpected things that go on in life...just super weird. But one thing is constant and that is our God who is not confined to these weird things that send us reeling. He is our constant, our lighthouse, our anchor that keeps us where we should be. Such peace in knowing that time and change and earthly things don't change Him or our eternal home...praise be to God!
Thursday, August 3, 2017
Life
*I wrote this blog on January 18, 2017...I've got to get out of this habit of not publishing when I write!
This blog is what happens when you've drank a little wine, watched a documentary about a very famous mother/daughter pair who died one after the other over the Christmas break while you watched one of them star in a movie, you're really trying to make sense of the fact that you're moving far away and starting a completely new life (complete with many deep life talks with your children because you desperately want them to grow to be healthy, Christ centered people), and one of your best friends has suddenly become a widow at the age of 36. Life is the weirdest thing. It's so fleeting yet so long. So simple yet so complicated. Sometimes it seems you just get a glimpse of the way God sees it and it can give you such peace. So beautiful and fascinating when you feel the fullness of the emotion of life. In this one moment, I can think of reasons to be so completely broken in despair and yet, because I know God personally through Jesus; I can at the same time see the wonder that is God's big picture. The picture of love that is the beginning and the end.
It's such a struggle...sometimes you want to live exclusively for the eternal kingdom...sometimes you want to live for only the temporary here and now. Sometimes you only feel the reality of the here and now and the eternal can seem so far off or even unreal. I'm appreciative for the times, though they may be painful or feel scary, that I feel wholy attached to what is beyond this life. The things of this life can never fully satisfy and I am grateful that there is a bigger picture that our loving God can see all of.
This blog is what happens when you've drank a little wine, watched a documentary about a very famous mother/daughter pair who died one after the other over the Christmas break while you watched one of them star in a movie, you're really trying to make sense of the fact that you're moving far away and starting a completely new life (complete with many deep life talks with your children because you desperately want them to grow to be healthy, Christ centered people), and one of your best friends has suddenly become a widow at the age of 36. Life is the weirdest thing. It's so fleeting yet so long. So simple yet so complicated. Sometimes it seems you just get a glimpse of the way God sees it and it can give you such peace. So beautiful and fascinating when you feel the fullness of the emotion of life. In this one moment, I can think of reasons to be so completely broken in despair and yet, because I know God personally through Jesus; I can at the same time see the wonder that is God's big picture. The picture of love that is the beginning and the end.
It's such a struggle...sometimes you want to live exclusively for the eternal kingdom...sometimes you want to live for only the temporary here and now. Sometimes you only feel the reality of the here and now and the eternal can seem so far off or even unreal. I'm appreciative for the times, though they may be painful or feel scary, that I feel wholy attached to what is beyond this life. The things of this life can never fully satisfy and I am grateful that there is a bigger picture that our loving God can see all of.
Monday, November 28, 2016
Getting Somewhere...Where I Am
I believe I wrote this post sometime between January and March...not sure why I never published it!
I had a realization the other day. First and foremost, I want to say that I am grateful for everything I have. It takes work to not take things for granted because the reality is that the world often sucks you in to believing some untrue things..."it won't happen to me" kinds of things. There's always time or another day for things. So I was feeling two-fold the other day, frustrated with some things in life and grateful for what I had. My frustration was born out of having a sense that there is something more that I may be being called to. I've been feeling that way for at least a year and a half now. While going through the daily in and out of a teaching job that feels vastly different than it did when I first started and feeling the continued tug of needs of a family that I dearly love, along with a plethora of other things vying for time; I constantly question if I am on the right path.
So my realization was that maybe I could be getting somewhere right where I am. Here I am on this current path , and as I wait for what God has in store next (not knowing how far out it may be), what will I do to make sure things are as they should be in the here and now? If I was truly holding onto what I learned two years ago...I would be able to be a lot more content right where I am. I need to allow God to prepare me in the here and now for whatever may be around the corner.
I had a realization the other day. First and foremost, I want to say that I am grateful for everything I have. It takes work to not take things for granted because the reality is that the world often sucks you in to believing some untrue things..."it won't happen to me" kinds of things. There's always time or another day for things. So I was feeling two-fold the other day, frustrated with some things in life and grateful for what I had. My frustration was born out of having a sense that there is something more that I may be being called to. I've been feeling that way for at least a year and a half now. While going through the daily in and out of a teaching job that feels vastly different than it did when I first started and feeling the continued tug of needs of a family that I dearly love, along with a plethora of other things vying for time; I constantly question if I am on the right path.
So my realization was that maybe I could be getting somewhere right where I am. Here I am on this current path , and as I wait for what God has in store next (not knowing how far out it may be), what will I do to make sure things are as they should be in the here and now? If I was truly holding onto what I learned two years ago...I would be able to be a lot more content right where I am. I need to allow God to prepare me in the here and now for whatever may be around the corner.
Sunday, January 17, 2016
Anxiety
Growing up, I had a tough time dealing with medical stuff and myself or others suffering in any way physically. For example, I would pass out if I scraped my knee, had to get a splinter removed, had to get a shot or a blood draw. I would also get woozy just hearing a story about someone else that went through something health-wise or if I saw someone injured or donating blood (volunteered to help at a blood drive in college knowing that I couldn't give...big mistake, but at least I tried). I got far better about those types of things when I was older, but developed different issues after having children. I once would not let Matthew and Nolan go to the grocery store one night because I feared something bad was going to happen to them. I struggled with the passing of time in reference to my children getting older and would have emotional distress over it. If my husband and I had an argument, I nearly had a panic attack, well, one time I think I did...had a hard time breathing.
Fast forward to not too long ago when I got a phone call that an ambulance had been called for my daughter to her elementary school. Turned out, they had been trying out new heart rate monitor bands and my daughter nearly passed out (which looked like a possible seizure) because she was nervous about wearing the band. Once I heard all the parts of the story, I completely understood what had happened. My daughter has the same issues I've had. She passed out when she scraped her knee, needed a splinter removed, had a shot, and now this. I had to put a name on it this time because I realized I would have to be able to label it to describe it to her future teachers, coaches, and caretakers.
ANXIETY. That was it.
By definition: a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. A nervous disorder characterized by a state of excessive uneasiness and apprehension, typically with compulsive behavior or panic attacks.
It was the first time I'd put a label on it for myself. But even when I couldn't label what I struggled with, I was able to get a hold of it. When I decided to make God my priority and be in relationship with Him daily through prayer and reading His word, I stopped struggling with anxiety. When I am not spending time with my creator and redeemer, I still struggle with anxiety.
So I guess God has gifted me with some anxiety issues, in a way. I don't have to deal with it much when I am focused on Him....which I am grateful for because I totally suck at staying focused on Him! And I want to and I need to and I love it when I am. Such peace, joy, clarity, hope...so many gifts from knowing Him!
Below are some bible versus that have given me peace and helped me to have strength in the face of anxiety.
Jeremiah 29:11-13
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Proverbs 3:6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
Isaiah 55:9
For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.
Jeremiah 6:16
Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls.
Fast forward to not too long ago when I got a phone call that an ambulance had been called for my daughter to her elementary school. Turned out, they had been trying out new heart rate monitor bands and my daughter nearly passed out (which looked like a possible seizure) because she was nervous about wearing the band. Once I heard all the parts of the story, I completely understood what had happened. My daughter has the same issues I've had. She passed out when she scraped her knee, needed a splinter removed, had a shot, and now this. I had to put a name on it this time because I realized I would have to be able to label it to describe it to her future teachers, coaches, and caretakers.
ANXIETY. That was it.
By definition: a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. A nervous disorder characterized by a state of excessive uneasiness and apprehension, typically with compulsive behavior or panic attacks.
It was the first time I'd put a label on it for myself. But even when I couldn't label what I struggled with, I was able to get a hold of it. When I decided to make God my priority and be in relationship with Him daily through prayer and reading His word, I stopped struggling with anxiety. When I am not spending time with my creator and redeemer, I still struggle with anxiety.
So I guess God has gifted me with some anxiety issues, in a way. I don't have to deal with it much when I am focused on Him....which I am grateful for because I totally suck at staying focused on Him! And I want to and I need to and I love it when I am. Such peace, joy, clarity, hope...so many gifts from knowing Him!
Below are some bible versus that have given me peace and helped me to have strength in the face of anxiety.
Jeremiah 29:11-13
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Proverbs 3:6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
Isaiah 55:9
For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.
Jeremiah 6:16
Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls.
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