Weird

I am grateful for the difficult things I've been through in life because they are a constant reminder of the greatest lesson I ever learned.  That lesson being that no matter where we are on life's journey, it's all about our relationship with God...our connectedness with Him...our daily choice to let go of earthly distractions and to listen to His voice in our lives.  If you know Him personally, you know that He is good, so undeniably good...and this world can be so bad and so temporary.  Life can be so bittersweet.  The sweet that comes in precious memories made and thought back on through our days and the bitter that comes with the hard to bare experiences of life that leave us with scars.  

One of my closest friends became a widow at the age of 36 and strangely we found ourselves, in the midst of our very different circumstances, finding our best descriptor for life was the word weird.  Not much beauty or explanation in such a word as weird but it really seemed to fit during a time when left with such huge things to wrap our minds around.  Time is weird...all the unexpected things that go on in life...just super weird.  But one thing is constant and that is our God who is not confined to these weird things that send us reeling.  He is our constant, our lighthouse, our anchor that keeps us where we should be.  Such peace in knowing that time and change and earthly things don't change Him or our eternal home...praise be to God!

Life

*I wrote this blog on January 18, 2017...I've got to get out of this habit of not publishing when I write!

This blog is what happens when you've drank a little wine, watched a documentary about a very famous mother/daughter pair who died one after the other over the Christmas break while you watched one of them star in a movie, you're really trying to make sense of the fact that you're moving far away and starting a completely new life (complete with many deep life talks with your children because you desperately want them to grow to be healthy, Christ centered people), and one of your best friends has suddenly become a widow at the age of 36.  Life is the weirdest thing.  It's  so fleeting yet so long. So simple yet so complicated.  Sometimes it seems you just get a glimpse of the way God sees it and it can give you such peace.  So beautiful and fascinating when you feel the fullness of the emotion of life.  In this one moment, I can think of reasons to be so completely broken in despair and yet, because I know God personally through Jesus; I can at the same time see the wonder that is God's big picture.  The picture of love that is the beginning and the end.

It's such a struggle...sometimes you want to live exclusively for the eternal kingdom...sometimes you want to live for only the temporary here and now.  Sometimes you only feel the reality of the here and now and the eternal can seem so far off or even unreal.  I'm appreciative for the times, though they may be painful or feel scary, that I feel wholy attached to what is beyond this life.  The things of this life can never fully satisfy and I am grateful that there is a bigger picture that our loving God can see all of.

Getting Somewhere...Where I Am

I believe I wrote this post sometime between January and March...not sure why I never published it!

I had a realization the other day.  First and foremost, I want to say that I am grateful for everything I have.  It takes work to not take things for granted because the reality is that the world often sucks you in to believing some untrue things..."it won't happen to me" kinds of things.  There's always time or another day for things.  So I was feeling two-fold the other day, frustrated with some things in life and grateful for what I had.  My frustration was born out of having a sense that there is something more that I may be being called to.  I've been feeling that way for at least a year and a half now.  While going through the daily in and out of a teaching job that feels vastly different than it did when I first started and feeling the continued tug of needs of a family that I dearly love, along with a plethora of other things vying for time; I constantly question if I am on the right path.

So my realization was that maybe I could be getting somewhere right where I am. Here I am on this current path , and as I wait for what God has in store next (not knowing how far out it may be), what will I do to make sure things are as they should be in the here and now?  If I was truly holding onto what I learned two years ago...I would be able to be a lot more content right where I am.  I need to allow God to prepare me in the here and now for whatever may be around the corner.

Anxiety

Growing up, I had a tough time dealing with medical stuff and myself or others suffering in any way physically.  For example, I would pass out if I scraped my knee, had to get a splinter removed, had to get a shot or a blood draw.  I would also get woozy just hearing a story about someone else that went through something health-wise or if I saw someone injured or donating blood (volunteered to help at a blood drive in college knowing that I couldn't give...big mistake, but at least I tried).  I got far better about those types of things when I was older, but developed different issues after having children.  I once would not let Matthew and Nolan go to the grocery store one night because I feared something bad was going to happen to them.  I struggled with the passing of time in reference to my children getting older and would have emotional distress over it.  If my husband and I had an argument, I nearly had a panic attack, well, one time I think I did...had a hard time breathing.

Fast forward to not too long ago when I got a phone call that an ambulance had been called for my daughter to her elementary school.  Turned out, they had been trying out new heart rate monitor bands and my daughter nearly passed out (which looked like a possible seizure) because she was nervous about wearing the band.  Once I heard all the parts of the story, I completely understood what had happened.  My daughter has the same issues I've had.  She passed out when she scraped her knee, needed a splinter removed, had a shot, and now this.  I had to put a name on it this time because I realized I would have to be able to label it to describe it to her future teachers, coaches, and caretakers.

ANXIETY. That was it.
By definition: a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.  A nervous disorder characterized by a state of excessive uneasiness and apprehension, typically with compulsive behavior or panic attacks.

It was the first time I'd put a label on it for myself.  But even when I couldn't label what I struggled with, I was able to get a hold of it.  When I decided to make God my priority and be in relationship with Him daily through prayer and reading His word, I stopped struggling with anxiety.  When I am not spending time with my creator and redeemer, I still struggle with anxiety.

So I guess God has gifted me with some anxiety issues, in a way.  I don't have to deal with it much when I am focused on Him....which I am grateful for because I totally suck at staying focused on Him!  And I want to and I need to and I love it when I am.  Such peace, joy, clarity, hope...so many gifts from knowing Him!

Below are some bible versus that have given me peace and helped me to have strength in the face of anxiety.

Jeremiah 29:11-13
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Proverbs 3:6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.

Isaiah 55:9
For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.  As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Jeremiah 6:16
Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls.

Church

This morning, the roads were bad and so I decided that the kids and I would have church at home.  It was exciting to have an opportunity to show them that church is not about a place but about people gathered together to be with God to worship Him and learn about Him.  I prayed for God tell me what we should do in this service at home and  the picture below on the left shows you the bible versus that came to mind in that moment of prayer, as well as the music I was led to as I let my mind be open to what God would have us do.  On the right is the notes we made during the bible lesson, along with a note that one of my daughters wrote after we ended our service (God is good).

Bible Verses:

Exodus 20:22-23  Then the Lord told Moses to say these things to the Israelites: "You yourselves have seen that I talked with you from heaven.  You must not use gold or silver to make idols for yourselves; do not worship these gods in addition to me.

Jonah: Chapters 1 through 3

Music:

Word of God Speak by Mercy Me

God Speaking by Mandisa

More Observations of Time

When I stepped outside to take the dog out last night, the fog around me heightened my senses and helped me to focus on the things around me instead of my mind racing with a variety of thoughts focused on things outside of that moment in time.  I started to talk to God and to really look at everything around me.  Looking at the wood of the deck, the blades of grass, the light reflecting off of wet streets, and even the details of the outside of my house.  Things that I don't normally slow down and take the time to look at.  It jolted a memory of how I saw things when I was a child.  I remember taking the time to really look at things and really think about things.  Savoring moments more often and more thoroughly than I do now.  

This moment in my yard when I really allowed myself to look around and think about what was right in front of me, made me realize that we do that less and less as we grow older. There is always more and more to distract us from the present moment.  I think that the best way to move back in the other direction is by putting God first and spending time with Him in prayer.  When you do this and are able to put trust in the Lord with the happenings in your life, then you are able to let go of things you can't or shouldn't try to control.  You can feel peace in knowing that what you are doing is what God would have you do each day of your life.

Observations of Time

We view time so differently throughout the many contexts of our life.  Differently for so many reasons.  There are so many possibilities that influence the way we view time at any given year, day, or even moment of our lives.

Reflections on time gone by:

The way we feel about time when we look back on memories of the past is that it seems like it has gone by faster and faster the longer we live.  Is it because we have compiled so many memories?  Is it because we have filled our time with more and more distractions as the years have gone by?  When I asked my nine year old son what he thought about time, he said, "The last quarter of the year goes by faster than the first three quarters.  I think this is because there is so much more going on."  

The way we feel about time when we are faced with a crisis if often very different.  Twice in her life, one of my daughters has had an ambulance called on her for fear that she may have had a seizure.  The first time was when she was two and I was with her.  She had said from out of nowhere that she wanted Daddy and as I laid her down to change her diaper, she became unresponsive.  I remember calling her name to see if I could get her to respond and then immediately running to the nearby bedroom to get the phone.  I remember the fear I had when I returned while dialing 911 and she was still unresponsive.  I also remember telling the operator that I thought my two-year-old had had a seizure because at that point she was responsive again which helped me to realize what had probably happened.  I know rationally that this all happened very quickly, maybe in two minutes tops.  But when I reflected on it, it felt like so much longer.  I once again experienced the feeling of time going slowly when trying to get to my daughter's school after being notified that an ambulance had been called for her.  Thankfully, it did not turn out to be anything serious in either situation.

A testimony before a Senate subcommittee in 1965 predicted that by 1985, Americans would be working twenty-two hours less and retiring at age thirty-eight because of how much faster work could be accomplished through the use of new technologies.  Instead, by 1985 the average work week had increased from forty-one hours to forty-seven.  We instead became a society that demanded more stuff and that meant that the more you worked, the more money you were able to make in the new materialistic society.  We became a society that abuses the gift of time.  For many, how we prioritize our time, tends to get turned around.  Focusing first on advancing our positions, making more money, and spending it in a variety of ways that we believe fulfill our needs.

Reflections on time as God might view it:

I believe that time to God (if it exists as something to Him at all) is very different than our views of it. He is the beginning and the end.  

I am the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the ending, saith the Lord, which is, and which was, and which is to come, the Almighty. Revelation 1:8  


This makes me believe that time is not necessarily linear to God.  I think this is why it is possible for Him to be all-knowing, knowing about everything that has or that will happen in our lives but also to be able to intercede on our behalf when we have asked and it is within His will (the best plan, even if we don't understand why in these moments).