I remember attending a jewelry party a few years back where the host asked what we feared the most in life as an ice-breaker (I know…pretty deep ice-breaker for a jewelry party, right?). I remember that my answer to this question, at the time, was that something bad would happen to my kids. I remember that during this time in my life I sometimes experienced an overwhelming (panic attack-like) fear over the passage of time and my children growing older. I’m sure I will always struggle with the fear of my kids being hurt physically or emotionally, but I am grateful that it is not such a consuming fear anymore.
A funny and irrational fear that I had while pregnant with my first child,
Nolan, had to do with that creepy movie The
Ring. In the movie there is a scene of a dead girl crawling out of a well. We lived in a house at the time where the
stairs to the second floor led up to the upstairs bathroom and Matthew and I
slept in one of the rooms upstairs.
Well, being pregnant, I awoke in the middle of the night, every night, for
a long time, needing to go to the bathroom.
For whatever reason, I had the thought of that creepy dead girl crawling
up those stairs as I passed them every night.
On my way back I would run and with a big bellied, ungraceful leap, end
up back in bed as quickly as possible.
If I think really far back, I can say that I spent most of
my youth being afraid of embarrassment.
I was always very shy and didn’t have the greatest social skills so that
is probably what caused this fear for me.
I still don’t like to go into situations in which there is a lot of
unknowns and new things to navigate, but I have learned to laugh at myself when
I do something dumb or an unfortunate embarrassing moment finds me. Like everyone else, I’ve experienced all kinds of fear. Rational fears, irrational fears, social fears, fears about mortality, and plenty more that I’ve failed to mention. Today, I have to admit that my greatest fear is to fall away from God again. To forget that He needs to be my number one priority. I went through a period of not knowing who I was in college and let the wind blow me where it wanted. It was a selfish, careless, meaningless time in my life. I came to a point where I realized this and decided to “throw myself into the arms of God" (that was how I put it at the time). I promised God that I would not stray and to let Him know that each day, I would speak to Him in prayer and always start by saying, “I’m still here.”
I am sorry to say that those words stopped being said a long time ago. I don’t know when, but many years ago. I’ve done a lot of reflecting lately and I realize that I’m not where I could be in my life had I never stopped saying “I’m still here.” Life for me without deepening my relationship with God is meaningless and actually quite dangerous being that I am married to someone whose life work is ministry. I've decided to not do this life on my own anymore. God's word says this about fear...So don’t worry, because I am with you. Don’t be afraid, because I am your God. I will make you strong and will help you; I will support you with my right hand that saves you. ~Isaiah 41:10
Who am I to think that I don't need my Creator and Savior's help in this crazy life? And how much better will I be able to cope with the fears along the way with the support of His right hand?
