Lord I'm Ready Now

Someone was recently talking to me about their journey with God.  They admitted a lot of time spent "going it alone" rather than walking with God and our conversation made me think of (myself...and) the song, Lord I'm Ready Now, by Plum. Earlier in the week, I had listened to a radio segment where the artist shared the story of why she wrote the song.  She shared how her and her husband ended up divorced because she was living life on her own.  God was not her priority and she was distracted by many things of the world.  In the end, she gave her life over to God and her relationship with her husband was eventually restored.

Here's the link to the song on YouTube in case you need some inspiration.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zBUQqLp6N24

Anger

I aught to know by now not to get angry over small things.  I was angry with Matthew the other day because he forgot that he had signed up to sell popcorn this weekend and missed his opportunity to pick up the popcorn; which meant that I had to miss the class I usually take at the gym in order to pick up the popcorn the next day while he was at the Michigan State football game.  It turned out that the class I ended up going to was really good and it was earlier in the morning so I was able to take Nolan and Lyla to play tennis.  It was a beautiful day and we had such a great time.

You never know how any given situation will turn out, but I have been shown many times now that good can come out of any seemingly bad situation.  But we have to let go of our anger and let ourselves listen for God's voice instead.

Peanut Butter and Jelly

Here we go!  I go back to work in two days and I'm not sure how I'm doing mentally/emotionally.  I watched a video (http://fox4kc.com/2014/08/20/christmas-jammies-family-does-it-again-with-back-to-school-video/), that someone posted to my Facebook timeline, of a family singing to the tune of a popular 80's song which they newly entitled "I Like Big Buses."  Figured out what the original song was?  So they are singing about how they are glad that the summer is coming to an end and their kids are headed back to school.  At the end, they thanked all the teachers that care for their children all year long who don't get paid enough.  Well, I read the thank you and burst into tears.  Sobs, really.  And I wouldn't have been able to say why, had you asked me at the moment.  It's probably a mixture of things.

My first thought was how grateful I was to these parents who simply said thank you.  Something that teachers don't hear a whole lot anymore.  Really it was that I felt the thank you came from the same place of the heart that mine would come from.  The piece of me that aches that my children will soon be spending more time in the care of another adult and not me for the next nine and a half months.  The other influence of the flood gates being opened is just how much life is about to change with me heading back to work.  Being elsewhere for nine hours a day makes it very difficult for me to keep all the "balls in the air."  Or maybe it's all the balls as high in the air as I'd like them.  I don't know.

But I do know that God has been teaching me a lot about going to Him with the decisions in my life and listening for His voice so that He can lead me on the way I should go.  This is really a gift to me because I can be at peace with however things may go because I know that I'm not trying to control everything and am instead letting God call the shots.  This allows me to let go of all the stuff that I usually let get to me.  Instead of being a person full of anxiety about not having enough time or not knowing how I should be prioritizing the things that occupy my time or feeling like I'm not good enough to keep those "balls" flying high, I can choose to make God my priority and let him guide my days.  I can have peace with each day that I've obeyed Him and allowed Him to do with my life what He desires.  Which is something so much better than I could ever have trying to do life on my own.

As I head back into the season of my life that challenges me, I'm going to be okay with praying over the making of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich if need be; as was admitted to me by another full-time working mother of three that also has a hard time with figuring out how to balance it all.  She has decided to take it all to God...big and small...even though her husband thinks it's silly.  For whatever reason, I feel the same way she does.  The more dependent I make myself on Him, the less I will be on myself.  I need to know that each day that I'm away from my family and away from my home...I'm being used by God.  I will choose to trust Him to help me with all those "balls" or perhaps tell me to let one go or even to pick a new one up.

Learning

I am grateful for God's presence in my life.  I started praying and praising Him for who He is almost a year ago.  About four months ago, I started reading my Bible on a consistent basis.  As I have knocked once again on God's door, He has answered with arms wide open.  God has blessed me with new understandings and the privilege of His Holy Spirit working in my life.  Great is His faithfulness!

I have learned that forgiveness is the right choice even when it seems undeserved.  I have learned that love is a choice because God is love and can give us love for those we may find unlovable.  I have learned that you don't give up on something if you don't know that you have done everything God has called you to do about it and can feel at peace with your decision.  I have learned that it's OK to go to God in all things big and small and it is good to have this constant communication with Him.

I have been made more aware of the battle being waged every day with the enemy and the importance of protecting myself with God's sword and shield.  I am more aware of the enemy at work in the lives of others and the lies being whispered in their ears (and mine for that matter) that causes them to waiver on what God would have them do.

I am grateful  for the clarity He has given me and for the truths He has shown me.  I know there is so much more to learn and I am grateful that He is still willing to show me no matter how much time I've spent trying to do life on my own.  

Glorious Unfolding

I got in my car and headed to work one morning a couple of weeks ago and was feeling like my journey with God, in respect to the changes I hoped he'd make in me and in my life, weren't clear on the horizon.  I was feeling frustrated about the time I had wasted in my life trying to do things on my own and not following the path God would have had me go all those years.  As I turned out of my subdivision, I turned on the radio and a song started in perfect timing with the words, "Lay your head down tonight.  Take a rest from the fight.  Don't try to figure it out.  Just listen to what I'm whispering to your heart.  Cause I know this is not anything like you thought the story of your life was gonna be and it feels like the end has started closing in on you.  But it's just not true.  There's so much of the story that's still left to unfold.  And this is going to be a glorious unfolding."  The song was  Steven Curtis Chapman's Glorious Unfolding and I felt God speaking to me through it.  The doubt that had crept in was pushed out by the joy and hope of knowing that, in the here and now, God can still do great things with my life.

Rejoicing Always

      I recently wrote my second sermon and preached it to the Celtic Cross congregation on Mother's Day 2014.  It is titled Living a Life of Rejoicing Always.  I pray that it will always be a reminder to me of the journey I am committed to and that it  may be a blessing to others as well. 

***

It is so easy to let the things of the world take over our lives each day.  Most of our year is spent with the daily obstacles of working so that the bills can get paid, cleaning and caring for our material things, and taking care of the demands of others in our lives. 

Day in and day out, my day will typically go something like this.  The morning routine of getting myself and our two year old ready for the day while Matthew gets himself and the older two children ready for the day.  Then I’m off to a full day of work with children, colleagues and administrators.  When the work day is done, I make sure I get whatever needs to be ready for the next work day ready and follow up with colleagues and parents on the events of the day that has just finished.  Then I head home with the stresses and worries of the work day still on my mind.  Once home, it’s time to take care of the “home stuff”. 

If we don’t have to run off to dance, or baseball, or cub scouts….it’s cooking the dinner meal, cleaning up dinner and dishes and mess from the day.  Helping with homework, going through school papers, trying to keep all the information in them straight.  Bath and bedtime routines.  Filling the humidifiers, pouring the allergy medicine, picking out everyone’s clothes for tomorrow, and changing the unexpected bedtime dirty diaper.  Breaking up the sibling spats.  Feeding the animals.  Getting in a load of laundry, emptying the dishwasher, taking out the trash, updating the grocery list.  Getting more work stuff done that couldn’t be finished at work.  And hopefully, when we are on top of things enough, my husband and I may even get to spend some time with each other.

We all have our story of the way that a majority of our days go.  For some people, their work consumes more of the ins and outs of their day.  For others, it’s keeping up with children and the household.  Teenagers and young adults busy themselves with their social life, school, and whatever it takes to get them to where they think they want to get to.  We all get swept away in all the stuff we think we have to do.  We also get swept away with the stuff we want to do too.  We get swept away with the holidays, the birthday parties, the social life.  This world is so full of distractions.  We are so consumed by all of the things of the day to day of this life…this world.

I read a book recently, in which the author shared her belief that young children are still very connected to God’s world because they are not yet that engaged with the world.  I told a lady I work with about this book and the author’s thoughts and she shared with me that she believed what the author said to be true because after the father of her children died, one of her girls, who was quite young at the time, told her that her daddy had told her that he was in heaven. 

In reflecting on my life, I know that I have had times when I have been very focused on God.  For me, college was a great time of focus on a small number of things.  My classes, my boyfriend Matthew, my job as a resident assistant, and my relationship with God.   I was devoted to thinking about God in all things, and filling my time with prayer, reading the Bible, being part of a Bible study group, and fellowshipping with other Christians who were also doing their best to be focused on God.  I was open to His will being done in my life and because of that He used me in the lives of others. 

Over time, my life became filled with many of the other things of the world that fill our space and time.  I got married, bought a house, started a career, and soon started having babies.  For me, this became an overwhelming time in my life as we constantly changed homes, jobs, and added more children.  I recently read a journal entry of mine that took place in a time of my life when I know that God was not a priority.  I was a wife to a pastor and attending church every week, yet still, I wrote this entry.  “People would be shocked to know how little I read the Bible or how I can’t seem to pray anymore.  I know it’s wrong…the worst thing I can do, yet I feel helpless to change it.”

Looking back, I know how I got to that low point in my life.  I know that God was not THE priority in my life.  God was on the “backburner” for quite a few years of my life.  I now look back and realize how far from the path God would have chosen for me that I strayed.  I don’t know what He could have done with my life but I know I am not the woman today that I could have been. 

Why is it that we so easily forget who our God is?  How is it that we can so easily let the distractions of this world keep us from remembering daily that our God is I AM.  He is everything…the beginning and the end.   He is GOOD and He is LOVE.  He is LIFE and TRUTH.  He has saved us from this world and from death.  He has given us His spirit to be with us each moment of this life.  He has given us purpose.  He has given us all of this by giving us Himself. 

With all that He is to us…why is it still so easy to not make God a priority in our lives?  Well….whether we like it or not, this world we inhabit during the course of our lives is not the world God created in the beginning.  The fall of humanity really happened.  We turned away from God and tried to do it on our own a long, long, time ago.  Much like we still try to do today.  Most of us prefer not to think about the fact that Satan is constantly vying for his place in our lives…our hearts…our souls.  At times we even get so consumed with this world that we forget about our own mortality.  Until faced with it in a tragic news story or when sadly something happens to someone we know.  We easily forget what a gift each day actually is.  We forget that no matter how much we try, we can’t live this life without God…The one who gave us the very breath we breath.  When we don’t think about the one who has given us life and who has great plans for our lives….when we don’t thank Him and praise him for the great things that He is…we leave an opening for the one who wants to defeat Him by defeating us.  We allow Satan to get more leverage in this very real war that wages every moment of every day between good and evil.  If God is not your priority, then you will stray from the path He would have you go. 

There is a new song on the radio by an artist named Michael West.  It says, “I woke up this morning…saw a world full of trouble now…thought, how’d we ever get so far down.  How’s it ever gonna turn around?  So I turned my eyes to Heaven…I thought, “God, why don’t You do something?”  Well, I just couldn’t bear the thought of people living in poverty, children sold into slavery, the thought disgusted me.  So, I shook my fist at Heaven and said, “God, why don’t You do something?”  He said, “I DID, I created you.” 

If we are not making God a priority, then how can we ever live out the great life he desires for us? 

I know that I have allowed the days in my life to pass this way.  I have let Satan slowly inch me away from the path that God would have me travel…which makes me think…knowing what I know about God…knowing that what He wants to do with my life is so good…that path would surely be such an amazing journey.  I want that for my life and I want that kind of life for my children…who learn about life from watching their father and I. 

So my question to all of you is this…will you choose each day to live out the great life that God has planned for you?  He has a purpose for you…no matter how far you have strayed from him.  No matter how much you have messed things up.  God is hope.  He is love.  He is life.  He is truth. 

There is no denying that the daily ins and outs of our lives will continue.  Our life will have times of trouble.  The world will continue to distract us with many things.  So, how can we guard ourselves against the forces of evil that silently surround us?  How can we seek our Savior through it all?  What do we need to do to allow our path to be directed by God?  To live with confidence…knowing that God is with us and His plans for us are good.  Knowing that we can be free to live a life of rejoicing always…no matter what may come.  

Over the last few months of my life, I have chosen to make God the first priority in my life.  He has begun to teach me how to find my way back to a strong relationship with him through knowing who He is and praising Him for it…through spending time in prayer and in His word every day of the life He gives me, and through surrounding myself with others who will stand with me on my journey. 

In Stormie Omartian’s book The Prayer That Changes Everything, she says, “When we live a lifestyle of praise and worship, we keep our heart fresh and open to the working of the Holy Spirit in us.  We keep ourselves in the right place to hear from God and be guided by Him.  We rightly position Him as first priority in our lives.  We keep ourselves always dependent upon Him, whether things are going well or not.  This keeps us close to Him.”  With all that our God is…why wouldn’t we glorify Him with our praise?  After all, we have nothing that we could give that could ever equal what He has given us.  So know who God is and praise Him for it in all times.  Live a life of rejoicing always.     

In the scripture from the fourth chapter of Hebrews, verse 12; God’s word is described as “alive and working and is sharper than a double-edged sword.  It cuts all the way into us, where the soul and the spirit are joined, to the center of our joints and bones.  And it judges the thoughts and feelings in our hearts.”  To grow in our relationship with God, we must spend time daily in His word, praying for God to reveal who He is and listening to what He has to say to us.  The best way to do this is to be part of a group who studies the Bible together.  This gives you both accountability to ensure you spend time in God’s word and allows you the privilege of hearing God speak through others as well. 

Lastly, it is of great importance that you have close Christian friends who are also determined to grow in their walk with God.  Matthew 18, verse 20 says, “This is true because if two or three people come together in my name, I am there with them.”  If you’ve ever questioned why you go to church…this is one of the many reasons why…united we stand; divided we fall.  Our flesh is weak…we need to support each other.  Going it alone leaves us far more susceptible to the lies of the evil one.  Even Jesus tells his disciples to “Stay awake and pray for strength against temptation.  The spirit wants to do what is right, but the body is weak.”

The world will continue to distract us with many things.  The often invisible yet very real war for our lives…our hearts…and our souls will continue to be waged.  But if you choose to live out the great life God has planned for you…know who God is and praise Him for it, spend time in prayer and in God’s word every day of the life He gives you, and surround yourself with others who will stand with you on your journey.  When the hard times come…you will be confident that God is with you and His plans for you are good and you may be free to live a life of rejoicing always. 

Let Your Light Shine

Let Your Light Shine is the title of the sermon I wrote in January of 2013.  It was the very first one I ever wrote.  I wrote it on a day when I knew my husband was struggling to write one himself and it was already Saturday morning.  I had a strong sense that morning that God had something for me to share and after a few short hours later I had written the following...

                                                    ***

Well, according to many…it’s all over…Christmas 2012 is complete…check…done…time to move on to the cold, dreary, and in our area of the country lasting a little too long…winter.  The only trace of Christmas left in our house is the new childrens’ toys strewn across  the family room, an outfit received as a gift worn here and there by one member of the family or another and of course…those holiday décor items that get found every couple of days that cause rising frustration levels as it belongs in the box that is now buried in the back of the storage closet.   All of this leaves many people feeling down…the after-Christmas blues.  We have had so much to look forward to over the past couple of months as we prepared to celebrate the coming of Christ.  But now the music is gone and the lights are coming down.

          Yet as Christians we know that the Christmas story is really the beginning and not the end.  We know that we are now on a journey of celebration of Christ’s life…beginning, middle, end…the journey of the Christmas story that had to happen in order for the Easter story…the story that leads to our redemption and salvation…to take place.  So as the world around us has made Christmas disappear within the time frame of a week or even less…we are left with many wonderings.  Wondering what to do with all of the buildup of excitement that led to the big celebration of Christmas day that is now suddenly over.  Wondering if we really celebrated the momentous occasion of God incarnate being born into our scary, messy, dark world the way it is worthy of.  Or did we just plug away with the day in and day out of each necessity that the holidays calls us to year after year?  And what now?  What now?  Now that the hustle and bustle is done, the special gatherings are over, the music has disappeared, and the lights are coming down. 

          Over my Christmas break, I read a book by Eileen Button called “The Waiting Place.”  It is about all of the times in life that we are waiting for the next big thing.  Waiting to grow up, waiting for the one we’ll marry, waiting for our children to be born, and even waiting until all of our waiting is done and Christ calls us home.  These are the big moments…the Christmas and Easter moments, one could say. 

          The lights are coming down…the big moment is over.  We are once again in “the waiting place.”  Yet we must remember that all of our Christmas celebration culminates in the birth of Christ…as Jesus brought the light of God into our scary, messy, and dark world.  The light began when he came into our world … the light grew brighter in our world as he called men and women of faith to follow him … the light shined in the darkness as Jesus taught us new ways of loving God and serving one another … and the light continues to be given to all who come in faith today … so then why would we put the light out as the Christmas season comes to an end … when we are only at the beginning of the faith story that ultimately leads us to the cross of Jesus Christ … to the life, death, and resurrection of the Son of God … the story of salvation. 

          So what does this mean then?  How do we take the light that truly began shining on Christmas day and keep it shining while we are in the “waiting place.”  While we are returning to work…while we are keeping the house clean, while we are disciplining our children…while we are dating…while we are in school…while we are faced with the ins and outs and moments of everyday between what we have determined to be the big moments worth waiting for in life?

          On the last page of Eileen Button’s book, she includes a poem called “Breaking Free.”  She writes about a thief.  My interpretation of this thief is that he makes her doubt that she can break free from the cycle of living life in the waiting place…consumed by busy-ness, clutter, and the daily sense that life is just the waiting places where light does not shine and big moments where it does.  It goes like this:

The thief slipped in without my knowing

And skulked downstairs where my busy-ness waited,

I could feel him pacing, pacing, pacing,

And heard him speak the words I should not believe:

“You are not good enough.”

Buried in my cluttered, dust-filled room

And trembling beneath the suffocating covers,

I peeked out and around only once in a while to listen and repeat in my unconvincing voice,

“You are wrong, you are wrong, you are wrong.”

His confident doubt held me hostage

And mocking laughter blocked the naked stair,

I shivered and pulled my soft shell tighter

Knowing my sedentary stance confirmed my worst fear:

I am a coward.

At last, I bolted from my waiting place

And chanced believing the risk might render reward,

I sacrificed my terror to the light and begged it to save me

As the thief’s final curse filled the space of my shadow:

“You.  Will.  Fail.”

But he was wrong.

          The hustle and bustle is done, the special gatherings are over, the music has disappeared, and the lights are coming down.  We are in the waiting place…but we don’t have to hide our light under a bushel.  How do we let our light shine … even while we are “waiting?”   

           The light of Jesus came into our world and changed it forever.  The world has hope that it didn’t have before.  If we let Jesus fully into our hearts and shine his light there, he will change us forever.  It starts with a choice.  As the world around us chooses to put Christmas away…to turn off the music and take down the lights…to move on into the next waiting place without thoughts of what we celebrated Christmas for…the celebration of the beginning of the journey to Christ’s ultimate sacrifice for us…we must choose to break free and allow our light to continue to shine anyway…even though we are in the waiting place moments of everyday life.  We must let the light of Jesus into our hearts everyday through prayer and openness to how he will change our lives in the in between of the big moments we’re always waiting for.

In Eileen’s book she concludes that she thought writing her book would help her discover and share ways to flee the waiting place.  But instead she comes to the conclusion that “To live is to wait.  It’s how we wait that makes all the difference.”    

So I wonder this…will you choose to hide your light under a bushel and simply wait for the big moments to take it back out again.  Or will you choose to take the light that started shining on Christmas and carry it with you every day… shining Christ’s light as bright as we can … in every moment … even the in-between moments of life … by choosing the one who chose us first. 

Choosing to be in relationship with God…choosing to let Him into our hearts everyday…not just in the big moments … choosing to allow God to fill our heart, mind, soul, and strength … until the light of Jesus Christ overflows and shines before others … so that they may see our good works … and give glory to our Father in heaven.

The world can be a cold, dreary and dark place for far too many people … and each one of us … may be the carrier of the light that they so desperately need. 

Jesus is clear … we are … the light of the world.  No one turns on a light and then hides it under a basket … but allows it to shine brightly … giving light to all in the house. 

In the same way … let us go out and shine our light before others … that they may see the light shining in us … and be drawn to faith in our God.  Amen.

                                                  ***
Tomorrow I will be sharing my second sermon with our congregation...it is titled Living a Life of Rejoicing Always.  I pray that it may speak to the hearts of those listening and be a help to them, wherever they are in their journey.

Fear

There are certainly many things to fear in this life.  When we look at the world around us and reflect on how it has changed…that alone is scary.  I used to run wild and free with my friends through the neighborhood and through the undeveloped nature (trees, creek, dirt hills) around the neighborhood.  I mourn the loss of that for my kids.  It can be disheartening to think how it might be for my children’s children.

I remember attending a jewelry party a few years back where the host asked what we feared the most in life as an ice-breaker (I know…pretty deep ice-breaker for a jewelry party, right?).  I remember that my answer to this question, at the time, was that something bad would happen to my kids.  I remember that during this time in my life I sometimes experienced an overwhelming (panic attack-like) fear over the passage of time and my children growing older.  I’m sure I will always struggle with the fear of my kids being hurt physically or emotionally, but I am grateful that it is not such a consuming fear anymore. 

A funny and irrational fear that I had while pregnant with my first child, Nolan, had to do with that creepy movie The Ring.  In the movie there is a  scene of a dead girl crawling out of a well.  We lived in a house at the time where the stairs to the second floor led up to the upstairs bathroom and Matthew and I slept in one of the rooms upstairs.  Well, being pregnant, I awoke in the middle of the night, every night, for a long time, needing to go to the bathroom.  For whatever reason, I had the thought of that creepy dead girl crawling up those stairs as I passed them every night.  On my way back I would run and with a big bellied, ungraceful leap, end up back in bed as quickly as possible.

If I think really far back, I can say that I spent most of my youth being afraid of embarrassment.  I was always very shy and didn’t have the greatest social skills so that is probably what caused this fear for me.  I still don’t like to go into situations in which there is a lot of unknowns and new things to navigate, but I have learned to laugh at myself when I do something dumb or an unfortunate embarrassing moment finds me. 

Like everyone else, I’ve experienced all kinds of fear.  Rational fears, irrational fears, social fears, fears about mortality, and plenty more that I’ve failed to mention.  Today, I have to admit that my greatest fear is to fall away from God again.  To forget that He needs to be my number one priority.  I went through a period of not knowing who I was in college and let the wind blow me where it wanted.  It was a selfish, careless, meaningless time in my life.  I came to a point where I realized this and decided to “throw myself into the arms of God" (that was how I put it at the time).  I promised God that I would not stray and to let Him know that each day, I would speak to Him in prayer and always start by saying, “I’m still here.” 

I am sorry to say that those words stopped being said a long time ago.  I don’t know when, but many years ago.  I’ve done a lot of reflecting lately and I realize that I’m not where I could be in my life had I never stopped saying “I’m still here.”  Life for me without deepening my relationship with God is meaningless and actually quite dangerous being that I am married to someone whose life work is ministry.  I've decided to not do this life on my own anymore.  God's word says this about fear...So don’t worry, because I am with you.  Don’t be afraid, because I am your God.  I will make you strong and will help you; I will support you with my right hand that saves you.  ~Isaiah 41:10  

Who am I to think that I don't need my Creator and Savior's help in this crazy life?  And how much better will I be able to cope with the fears along the way with the support of His right hand?

Love

These words were shared with Matthew and I on our wedding day…Love takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, puts up with anything, trusts God always, always looks for the best, never looks back, but keeps going till the end, trusts steadily in God, hopes unswervingly, loves extravagantly.

I've been learning a lot lately about God and love.  The authors of The Love Dare, a devotional for couples, say that love is not just a feeling, it is a decision.  This makes sense to me because God is the source of all love.  So I'm realizing that even when I'm feeling hurt by someone or I feel my love has run dry, I can make two choices...turn toward myself or turn toward God; the source of all love.  God can allow the love that I need to flow through me and out to others in my life.  With God's help, I can love extravagantly.  Yet another reason to stay always connected to God and continually deepen my relationship with him! 

Why?

Why start blogging?  Well, I am a 35 year old woman with three children, who works full time as a teacher, and who is married to a pastor.  I struggle with a lot of things...like how to balance working full time and being a wife and mother, how to keep the household clean and running smoothly, what it means to be married to someone who is in ministry, and how to keep my priorities straight and get the most out of this life God has given me.  I still have a lot to figure out! 

I recently realized that I have not been keeping God as the number one priority in my life for quite a while (like years) and I am realizing that I am not nearly the woman I could be had I continued to grow in my relationship with God all this time.  So I am committed to my journey with God...like never before.  I feel like I need to document the journey...both for myself to look back on and for others who might need encouragement in their walk with Christ.